I honestly don’t know how my parents ever arranged a holiday. Particularly in an era before mobile phones and social media. How the hell did they relax?

Dear R Much as the idea of setting up nanny cams and laughing as the cats harass you appealed, I had neither the time or money (nor inclination to see your pasty arse on the way to the bathroom) so instead, I leave you this hopefully comprehensive set of instructions… Help yourself to anything in …