I think my subconscious has weaponised my imagination and I’m choosing to take this as A Sign.

For the last few years I've had a full time desk job. I've had weekends off, statutory holiday allowances and the never-gets-old joy that someone else was paying my monthly wage. Then I found a better desk job, handed in my notice, looked forward to a month of garden leave and... The better desk job fell through. Gutted. The upgrade was …

I desperately wanted a cat for so long that I’d forgotten the realities of being at the beck and call of a despotic shit machine. Now I have two.

A 12-year-old with, as it turns out, the gift of on-command flatulence, Misty was a sad bundle of black and white fur in the Glasgow SPCA rehoming centre when we first saw her. With me in floods of tears outside (why can't we take them all?) D made all the arrangements, his kids gave me a consoling pat, and …

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

The wonderful thing about an online persona is that you can rewrite history. I'm not a fan of outright fabrication as it always comes back to bite you in the arse, but you can certainly gloss over the more uncomfortable moments that would otherwise see you heading for the bottle. Just go to bulk action/edit. …